Kikyo and the Myriad of Fruits
by Banana Rum
Summary: [KikyotheWalnut] If you like clever, subtle humor, then don't come here. KikyotheWalnut posted in our account under mysterious circumstances.
1. My name is Kikyo

I don't own any of the InuYasha characters. And I'm Banana Rum's friend, not the actual person.

"Kikyo," Kaede proclaimed. "This walnut's name is now Kikyo."

"Now Kaede dear," said a voice, "Let's not be silly. This is a walnut, not a jewel-protecting, shrine-guarding, demon-slaying, in-love-with-a-hanyou priestess."

"You're wrong, Mommy!" Kaede insisted. "She's my sister."

"Kaede! Be reasonable. This is a walnut, not a living creature. I'll take you to the pet shop tomorrow, and…"

"No, mommy, this is my pet walnut," Kaede insisted.

"Really, dear. Go to bed now." Her mother looked irritated. "I'll take care of your, erm, sister."

"Ok, fine." Kaede handed over the walnut. "Remember, her name's Kikyo."

"Errr, alright. Say good night to Kikyo."

"G'night!"

Meanwhile, a few miles away, an eggplant named Kikyo yawned and stretched her legs—that is to say, if eggplants could yawn, and if eggplants had legs, she would have, but as eggplants don't have legs or mouths, Kikyo the Eggplant didn't actually do any of the aforementioned.

But anyway, Kikyo just lay there, wishing she could yawn and stretch her legs—although, of course, eggplants don't have brains—when suddenly, a giant hand stretched down and picked her up.

"YAAAAH!" Kikyo screamed—but then she remembered, eggplants can't scream, and then she realized, eggplants can't remember or realize anything—to no avail, as no one could hear her anyway, as eggplants can't scream.

"Hi," said the person. "I'm Kaede. Your name will be Kikyo from now on."

The girl beamed and strode toward a small, shabby hut, with Kikyo in her palm.

"Oh no, not another one?" an older woman groaned as Kaede entered the hut.

"Yes," said Kaede. She reached over and put Kikyo on a shelf, next to a walnut and a grapefruit.

A few feet away from where the eggplant had been lay a pear named Kikyo. It sighed—but let's not go over the whole not-having-a-mouth thing. Anyway, it was happily rolling around, playing some weird, pear-ey mind game, when suddenly a dark figure loomed over it.

"Hi, I'm Kaede. I'm going to name you Kikyo…"

Which one is the real Kikyo? I would have guessed the grapefruit, had not a woman in a red skirt with a bow and arrow cam around the corner just then and blasted an arrow into the cottage.


	2. The IAKAW

"Mommy," said Kaede, "I'm going to sell my Kikyos today."

"Why?" Kaede's mom asked.

"Well, obviously, because a walnut who is also a priestess would be worth a lot of money, right? Plus, I'm saving up for that dirt bike."

Kaede's mother just shook her head.

"Anybody want to buy a walnut?" Kaede asked vainly an hour later. "Or a grapefruit, or a pear? Only 100,000 Yen each."

Shoppers just looked at her grumpily as they passed. Kaede was on the brink of giving up, yet she was shocked that no one wanted her Kikyos. I mean, come on, Kaede thought. Who wouldn't want a nice yummy—

Her thoughts were interrupted suddenly.

"Are you Kaede?" a voice asked.

Kaede jumped and looked up. Hmm. She'd never seen _him_ before. He was a weird guy with long black hair, and a purple vest.

"I'm Naraku," the man said, noticing her look. "And you've been selling these, erm, replicas…"

"Not replicas," Kaede interrupted. "Priestesses."

"Erm, yes, priestesses," Naraku said, "And so I am here to drag you off to the Institution Against Kikyo Being a Walnut, or the IAKAW. They'd like to have, um, a word with you."

And so saying, he grabbed her by the shirt and dragged her off. Kaede managed to grab her Kikyos in time, though.

"I got 'er," Naraku said about a day later to a guard standing at a gate. Their journey had been was _so_ long.

"Ah, the girl?" said the guard knowingly. "Pass, pass."

Naraku nodded, and took Kaede into a building beyond the gates.

It was a conference room, Kaede could tell, as there was a large table in the middle, and many people seated around it. Naraku placed Kaede at the front of the long, long table and then took a seat at her right.

"The IAKAW monthly meeting has begun," said a loud voice from the other end of the room. "And we have with us this girl, who claims to have many… um… _detachments_ of Kikyo."

Kaede turned towards the sound, and saw a monk, dressed in a purple and black robe, with a seal over his right hand.

"She is our first order of business. Naraku, what precisely was the offense?"

"She was selling," Naraku said importantly, "Walnuts, grapefruits, and other food items, and claimed them to be Kikyo."

There was a loud snort. Kaede saw it was from that weird lady who had shot an arrow into her house earlier.

"May I have a say, Miroku?" the weird lady asked. Miroku nodded gravely. "Yes, Kikyo."

"Thank you. Now, young lady, let me make this _absolutely_ clear. I am a vegetarian. You understand?"

Kaede nodded, although she couldn't see what that had to do with anything.

"And furthermore," Kikyo said sternly, "A certain author started this whole rumor, the one that says I am a walnut. A certain author… ahem ahem and it is _just a rumor_."

Kaede frowned. O-kaaaay. Talk about weird, she thought. But… "Wait!" she said suddenly. "Is a walnut even a fruit?"

Miroku scowled. "Well?" he asked the man on his right. "Is it?"

The man shrugged. "I'm not sure."

"All right!" said Miroku loudly. "There's only one way to settle this."

Everyone held their breath.

"With a _pie eating contest_."


	3. The Pie Eating Contest

"A pie eating contest?" Kaede asked curiously. "Will there be banana cream pies?"

"Of course not," snapped Miroku. "Banana cream is a silly thing. We will be having fudge ripple pies."

Kaede scowled. "I'm allergic to chocolate."

"Fine," Miroku said angrily. "Bring out… the _apple pies_."

Everyone except Kaede and Miroku gasped.

"The _apple pies_?" Kikyo said, her eyes huge. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," said Miroku grimly. "She needs a punishment."

"O-okay," said Kikyo, before hurrying off to fetch the apple pies.

"What's wrong with the apple pies?" Kaede wondered.

"You'll see," said Miroku, and for the first time he wore a thin smile.

"And who is my opponent?"

_"You'll see."_

"Well, fine then," Kaede said crossly.

She was led out a back door to a large field, where a table was set up. It was already laden with apple pies on one side, and fudge ripple on the other.

"For your opponent," Miroku explained, looking at the fudge ripple.

Suddenly, the back door opened again, and a boy in a purple… um… outfit cam out.

"Are you ready, Kohaku?" Miroku asked seriously

Kohaku nodded and looked at the fudge ripple pies, then at the apple ones. He gasped.

"Apple, my lord Miroku?"

"Yesiree. For the offender."

Kaede and Kohaku sat one on each side of the table.

"Ready," said Miroku, "Set, go!"

Kaede took a bite of pie. Tasted all right to her. She shrugged, and took another bite.

"Gaah!" she yelled. Almonds! They'd put almonds in her pie. The crowd looked the almonds and shuddered.

But I have to keep eating, she thought. She was about to take another slice when a bell dinged. Kaede looked sideways and saw that Kohaku was already done. Whoa! He could really pack it away.

"Kohaku is the winner!" Miroku announced. "Meaning the disagreement is settled. Walnuts must be a fruit. Meaning," he added to Kaede, "_You're_ wrong."

"So what's going to happen to me?" Kaede asked, with a touch of worry.

"You'll have to work for us," Miroku said. "As a construction worker, where you will produce _vegetables_ named Kikyo, to show the public that Kikyo is not a fruit. Naraku will show you there."

Naraku nodded, and grabbed Kaede by the arm. He led her through a series of doors, until finally they reached their destination. Kaede looked around and gasped…

Author's Note: Hmmm. Well, this didn't turn out _quite_ the way I wanted it to. But I hope you like it. Please review it! And chapter four will be coming soon…


	4. The Escape, AKA the Writer's Block

… There were fruits and vegetables everywhere. On one half of the room, people were branding various fruits with the word "Kagome"; on the other half, people were branding vegetables with the word "Kikyo".

"You'll be working here," Naraku said. "You're going to work on the 'fruit' side."

"Uh… okay," Kaede said.

"Good. The other workers will show you what to do."

Naraku grinned, and left. The fruit workers looked distastefully at Kaede. One of them hesitantly broke out of the queue.

"You're helping us?" she asked. "Good. My name is Kanna."

"What you'll do first is get a towel and shine each fruit to a crisp—I mean, to a perfection. Then, you'll suck out their souls—I mean, brand them—with this thingy. Then you'll soak them in hot pressurized wind—I mean, water—and wait for five minutes."

Kaede nodded glumly and grabbed a pineapple. She attempted to scrub it, but only managed to break off all the pointy thingies and leaves. Then, she set the branding machine on the wrong setting, and burned "Kikyo" on it instead.

Suddenly, as Kanna was berating her, Kaede had a brilliant idea.

"I like mustard!" she shrieked suddenly. The silence in the room was absolute.

"You like mustard?" Kanna said frightfully.

"Yes," said Kaede, pleased by the effect. "And now that we've established that fact, I'll be leaving."

"Leaving?" Kanna asked. "Oh no, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Goodbye," said Kaede loudly. She shrugged, took an apple from the production line, and bit into it. Then, ignoring everyone's gasps, she walked out of the building and all the way home…

"You know," Kaede said thoughtfully to her mother, "I was wrong about my Kikyos. They aren't really priestesses after all..."

Her mother breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, she thought, that's over with.

"Yes," Kaede said. She shrugged and walked out the door.

But suddenly, she found a small toy car on the grass outside.

"Hmm." She picked it up and looked at it. Suddenly, a comprehension dawned on her…

"Hello, Kikyo," she said, smiling and slipping the toy in her pocket. "My name is Kaede."

Author's Note: You're probably all mad at me for not updating for so long. And also, I'm sorry this is so short. I ::may:: make an alternate ending. Should I? Please review!


	5. The Sequel

Heheh, instead of making an alternate ending, I started a sequel! (Thanks for the comment, Litefantastic. And EVERYONE else who reviewed, some of you even did it multiple times!)

Kaede looked suspiciously down the street. No one there. She looked the other way. No one.

She slipped out of the light screen door, and into the night. She carefully threaded her way through the various garbage cans (in feudal Japan?) to a clearing, surrounded by pine trees.

A pink polka dotted sign read, "Committee for All the Nutters Out There Who Want to Become Placemats." Erm. Okaaaaaaaay.

Kaede smiled beatifically at the small group. "Have you decided what color you want to be, Inuyasha?"

"No," Inuyasha replied sullenly. "I can't decide between pink, or purple striped with lime green."

"Oh, that's a bummer," Kaede said sympathetically. "Kikyo?"

"Eh, I've narrowed it down," Kikyo shrugged. "Poor Naraku, though. He can't decide. He wants navy blue, but he's really a pastel kind of person, don't you think?"

Um. Anyways...

"Ooh," Kaede said, and began addressing the rest of the group, which included Sango, Miroku, Sesshomaru, Rin, Kikyo, Inuyasha, Naraku, Kanna, and Hakkudoshi. "Well, let's get down to business, then..."

A/N: What have I done this time??? Well... I personally have no idea! More later!


	6. A Tummy Ache

AN: Okay, to clear stuff up, I thought about publishing it in a separate story, but then some people wouldn't know I updated. Kay? Again, I'm sorry it's so short!!!

"So, has anyone heard from Kouga?" Kaede asked briskly.

"No," Hakudoshi answered, sounding worried. "He went to steal the jewel shard from the evil Shippo... but he hasn't returned."

"Shippo's claimed another victim, then?" Naraku asked.

"Maybe, maybe not," Kaede shrugged. "He might have escaped. But anyway, we need to hurry, and find him. Because, as you all know, the ONLY way we can turn into placemats is if we get that Placemat-no-tama."

"Right," Sesshomaru said with zest. "Off we go!"

"Wait," Kaede said patiently. "We don't even know where Shippo is."

"So? I'll use my super-duper staff of heads!" Sesshomaru exclaimed. "It helped me find my father's grave, right? Jaken! Come here, with the staff!"

Jaken appeared, bearing a large staff with two heads on it.

"Alrighty, staffy, where's Shippo?"

The woman spoke. "Um... I dunno... ask him."

"Hey!" the man said. "How should **I** know, Carol?"

"Richard." The woman's (aka Carol's) voice was low and quick. "Just say it."

"I have come to a conclusion," the man (aka Richard) said finally, after some hesitation. "I have no idea."

Carol and Richard nodded resolutely and said no more.

"Hmp. Darn it," Sesshomaru said dejectedly. "Well, we need a sign! Aha! There!"

He pointed to a large, ordinary mushroom near the trees. "That's Shippo's mushroom!"

"I don't think so," Kaede shrugged. "But we don't have any other leads. Let's go!"

Everyone nodded, and traipsed through a convenient path. Sesshomaru picked up the mushroom and ate it.

"Uggh," he said two hours later. "I... I got a tummy ache."

Okay then, Fluffy.

"Everybody, REMAIN CALM!" Kaede yelled. "Sesshomaru, what do you want us to do?"

"Stop for a while," Sesshomaru said wearily. "I need to rest."

So the group stopped for an hour, during which time they discussed... um... stuff.

"I want to be plaid," Naraku squealed.

"Oh yeah?" Miroku snorted. "Well, **I** want to have raspberry chips at my next party?"

"Am I invited?" Kanna wondered quietly.

"No. Hakudoshi's not a pineapple."

"Oh, all RIGHT, but remember, just because you're not a walnut, don't think you can throw up on my salsa."

"Ooooh! Party!" Rin shrieked. "I'll wear lots of purple!"

And so the conversation went, as they waited for Sesshomaru's tummy ache to dissipate.

**To be continued**


	7. More Tummy Aches

"I can go on now," Sesshomaru announced.   
"Good," Kaede replied. "Let's go! Hey! Keep your fingers OFF that mushroom, idiot..."   
"Hey! Are you calling me an idiot?"   
"Yes! Yes I am! Now, do you want to find Koga, or not?"   
"Fine..." Sesshomaru replied sullenly. Suddenly, he started weeping, and sobbed into Jaken's robe. "I can't go on, Jakky! I can't!"   
"It's all right..." Jaken replied soothingly. "It'll be all right..."   
"Well..." Hakudoshi commented. "This is interesting. But are we going to go, or not?"   
"Yes!" Kaede replied firmly. "Jaken, keep Sesshomaru happy, alright? Now, COME ON!"   
"I wonder how powerful the Placemat-no-Tama is?" Naraku wondered as they ambled along the path. "Can it REALLY turn us all into placemats?"   
"O'course," Jaken said. "It's supposed to be the most pewrful jewel out there, much better than the Shikon-no-Tama and the Screwdriver-no-Tama."   
"What a bunch of losers," Sango remarked. "Hiten and Manten, y'know, trying to find the Screwdriver-no-Tama. They're mad. Who would want to be a screwdriver?"   
"Yeah," Kikyo said. "Midoriko, too... who would have thought?"   
"I thought Midoriko was dead," Miroku said, confused.   
"I dunno," Kikyo said. "Does it really matter?"   
"Slice that Shippo," Inuyasha muttered. "I'll slice him through with my Tetsusaiga."   
They had come to another grove, of walnut trees. Sesshomaru picked one off the tree and ate it. No one noticed, until later...   
  
"I have a tummy ache," he moaned, clutching his side. "And it hurts!"   
"Again?" Kaede groaned. "Why?"   
"It was that walnut," Sesshomaru said, his eyes narrowing with pain. "It... it was yucky. But I was hungry, Kaede..." He stopped at the look on Kaede's face.   
"Jaken," she seethed. "Please get some _chains_."   
"Erm... okay," Jaken said. He let go of Sesshomaru's hand, and ran into the forest. He returned later with a length of metal rope stuff.   
"Good," Kaede said. "Please affix them around Sesshomaru's neck, like a dog collar and leash."   
Jaken did so.   
"Good. Now, lead him on, tummy ache or not, and DON'T LET HIM EAT ANY MORE ... STUFF!"   
"Alrighty," Jaken said. He tugged the makeshift leash, and Sesshomaru dejectedly followed, clutching his side. 

"Hey! What's that in the distance?" Miroku yelled, pointing at something on the horizon.

"It looks like... Shippo!" Kaede called. Everyone tensed, and Sesshomaru strained against his leash.

**To be continued...**

AN: Um, I don't really know what happened here... yep.


	8. Moonwalking and Nancy the Placemat

"Slice!" Inuyasha muttered crazily. "Slice, slice..."

"Is your tummy ache gone yet?" Kaede asked Sesshomaru.

"No... but I can go on," Sesshomaru responded bravely.

"Okay then," Kaede said. "Any idea HOW we'll defeat Shippo? Richard? Carol? No? Well..."

"I have an idea!" Kikyo shrieked. "We'll serve him a meal, right? And we'll put it on a placemat! Only our society can stand such treatment!"

"Great idea!" Kagome yelled. "Purified placemats, woohoo!"

"Okay, cool," Kaede said enthusiastically. "Naraku, have you finished your placemat weave you started last week?"

"Yes," Naraku said brightly. Then realization dawned, and he yelped, "I don't want to give Nancy up! Nooo!"

"You have to," Kaede said harshly. "What's more important, Nancy or the Placemat-no-Tama?"

"I guess... I huess the Placemat-no-Tama," Naraku sighed, tears welling up in his eyes. He tragically took a placemat out of his pocket, and handed it over. It was bright pink, with purple polka-dots. "I'll miss you, Nancy..." Naraku mumbled, his lower lip trembling.

"Good," Kaede said. She took the placemat and handed it to Kikyo. "Go ahead, do your purification thingy."

Kikyo nodded, and touched the placemat gently. "Whoa," Kikyo commented. "That was one evil aura. Naraku, did you have spaghetti again?"

"I had it with meat sauce," Naraku replied. "I thought that would be okay..."

"Anyway," Kikyo continued. "Sesshomaru, Jaken, can you get me some of those walnuts? We need food, after all."

Jaken nodded, and led the blubbering Lord of the Western Lands away.

"Now. We need... a centerpiece," Kikyo instructed.

"Ooh! I have a great idea!" Kagome yelped. She whipped out her bow and arrow, and shot an arrow at Sesshomaru's retreating back. It nipped off part of his fluffy, and Kagome ran and retrieved it. Sesshomaru was bawling now.

"Good idea," Kikyo said, sticking the fluff on the placemat. "Now, we just have to wait for Sesshy and Jaken."

Two hours later, the duo returned, laden with armloads of walnuts. Kikyo arranged them on the placemat, and they were ready to go.

"Alright, I'll take the food to that rock over there," Kikyo said. She crept away... without the placemat.

"Wait!" everyone yelled, but Kikyo, who was doing the moon walk, ducked behind a bush and put a finger to her lips.

"Idiot..." Inuyasha grumbled. "I'll take it, then."

But unfortunately, he forgot the placemat also. As did everyone else, except for Kaede. It was an amusing sight, everyone oblivious to each other, moonwalking toward the rock.

"Doh..." Kaede snapped. She ran toward them, but suddenly...

**To be continued...**

AN: Well, the next chapter will be up as soon as I figure out what will happen... eh heh heh... Suggestions are appreciated...


	9. More Moonwalking

AN: Um, sorry I haven't updated for a while! Yeppers. Never mind they're so short. Also, I just thought about Kanna moonwalking... and I cracked up. Tee hee.

...a large walnut dropped from the sky, hitting the ground and changing the plot exactly zero. Anyway, Kaede picked up the food and put it near the rock. Then, she tapped Naraku discreetly on the shoulder. He looked at her, and put a finger to his lips: "Sshh." Kaede bit back the urge to laugh, but she couldn't.

She yelled, "Everybody, STOP!" Everybody stared at her and made shushing motions. Kaede went on. "Come BACK! Check! Do you have the food?!"

"Yes," Naraku hissed, looking down. "Of course I do."

Kaede got similar reactions from everybody. "YOU'RE ALL HAVING HALLUCINATIONS!"

"No," Kikyo said, clearly puzzled. "We're not. We all have food with us."

Kaede wrinkled her brow in confusion. What what what??

Everyone moonwalked to the rock, and one by one placed their meals there. Kaede followed suit, placing the REAL food there.

"Kaede, what are you doing? You don't have any food," Miroku said, looking at Kaede.

"???" Kaede stared at him. "Of course I do!"

"No," Miroku said, looking at her closely. "What are you talking about?"

"Never mind," Kaede said quickly. Well, one way or another, the food had been transported. Now they had to wait. "Let's go back behind those bushes."

Everyone complied, and they crouched down in wait. Soon, Shippo came out from some plothole or other, and saw the feast.

"My, how yummy this looks!" he said, his voice sounding oddly fake and cheerful. He rolled his eyes in the direction of the bushes. "I think I'll eat it!"

He chomped down on the walnut, and began eating. Soon enough, a remarkable change began to occur. His tail changed to green, and... so did the rest of him. Sesshomaru looked quickly at the walnuts, then at his own hand. Suddenly, Shippo was an asparagus! Erm... yeah.

"Why do I have to get all the nasty side effects?" Shippo grumbled, before his face changed into a horrified expression. "Oh, no! I have changed into an asparagus. Whatever shall I do?"

Kaede smirked obliviously, and led the small group away.

"Wow, cool!" Kikyo said enthusiastically.

"But..." Hakudoshi said faintly. Everyone looked at him. He cleared his throat and went on. "I think the effects will wear off in 24 hours."

"Good!" Sesshomaru wimpered; he, too, had been changed into an asparagus. Delayed reaction, I suppose.

"I said it would wear off for Shippo," Hakudoshi said. "Not for you, Fluffs. Your... um... hair makes it impossible for you to change back..."

"NOO!" Sesshomaru screamed pathetically.

"I didn't say it was impossible," Hakudoshi snapped. "You just need assistance... from the Society for All the Nutters Out There Who Want to Become Screwdrivers."

"NO!" Sesshomaru howled. "Midoriko is ugly!"

"You don't have any choice in the matter," Hakudoshi said. He was loving this, you could tell. "Come on now, I hear they live... um... over there..."

He pointed lamely ten feet away, where a small group was huddled.

"Well, let's go!" Kagome said enthusiastically. She led her group over to the other... um.. group.


	10. Rubbish

"Hey, MIDO!" Kagome called loudly. When Midoriko didn't turn around, she added, "Don't pretend you don't hear me, now. I TOLD you it was an accident..."

"What was an accident?" Inuyasha asked with considerable interest. But his question was answered almost immediately; Kagome had successfully provoked Midoriko out of her silence.

"Oh, sure it was!" she snapped. "Oh, I'm sure you didn't MEAN to burn down half my village, Kagome!"

"Well, that's right," Kagome said innocently, "And from now on I'll try to control my actions a bit more--"

"Anyway," Midoriko said hastily. "What do you want? Naraku, we're definitely NOT selling you any more pasta, ok? I don't want you barfing it all up over our screwdrivers."

"We're here to see if you can help Fluffs here," Hakudoushi said hastily.

"Hm. Ah. Yes. Ok," Midoriko said, looking frazzled. "Uh, Manten here can help you."

Manten waddled forward. "Wha' is it?" he asked with a decidedly English accent. "Is it teatime already?"

"No," Midoriko said. She muttered, "I told you it was a bad idea to accept that scholarship in England..."

"Oh," Manten said. He looked at Fluffy. "I suppose you want me to help him, eh?"

"Yes."

"Blimey! Rubbish. Teatime," Manten said. He explained, "I'm trying to enrich my English vocabulary. Blimey."

"Well?" Hakudoshi asked impatiently. "Can you help him?"

"Oh. Blimey, yes. Come here, lad," Manten giggled. Sesshoumaru stared at him in fear. "I won't hurt you!"

"Oh?" Kagome asked suspiciously. She said sagely, "Personally, **I**'d never accept help from a big slimy toad..."

"Rubbish," said Manten. "Now, here." He took from his pocket a pink pill. "Take this."

Fluffy made to grab the medicine, but Midoriko swatted him away.

"Oh no you don't!" she said grumpily. "Not without payment."

"How much do you want?" Kikyo asked. She added in a side whisper to Kagome, "I took conflict-mediation when I was in middle school."

"Uh, good question," Midoriko said uncomfortably. Manten interrupted.

"Teatime rubbish, it is!" he exclaimed. "We'll take one bottle of banana rum."

"Are you implying you want the author taken away?!" Kagome asked incredulously.

"Eh? Blimey, no. You're a git," Manten said amiably. "I like banana rum."

"Hey, you learned a new word!" Inuyasha said scathingly.

"Blimey, so I--_rubbish_--did," Manten said happily. "I learned--_teatime_--'git'!"

"Oh, RUBBISH!" Midoriko burst out. "It's all RUBBISH! Take the pill and leave us!"

** END!**

A/N: Hm. You know, this chapter is not very long. Blimey.

Also thanks to everyone who reviewed!!!


	11. And Now For Something Completely Differe...

Ok this chapter USED to be in play format, but because does not accept scripts I changed it. But now it has only dialogue... whatever... (Thanks Fred the Mutant Pickle) Also, I realized Kaede got mysteriously dumped somewhere. Ohhh well.

WARNING: CONTAINS CROSSOVERS INTO MIDDLE-EARTH!!!

Fluffy said, "I'm all better now! Wheeeeee!"

Inuyasha replied, "Hey there sweetie."

Fluffy wailed. "Waah! You're scaring me!!!"

Kikyo sighed and said, "So now what do we do?"

Kagome looked disgusted. "Let's just give up on the whole Shippo thing. It was getting pointless anyway."

"Indeed," Hakudoshi said.

Fluffy skipped along.

"Hey there sweetie!" Inuyasha called after him.

"Indeedy-do!" Naraku said vigorously. "And I'm gonna make another placemat!"

"Hey there sweetie."

"What color?!?!?" Kagome, as usual, was hyper. "Ooooh! I love Dr. Raskop." (DO NOT ASK who Dr. Raskop is. Inside author joke, and even she doesn't get it. Eh heh.)

"Who's Dr. Raskop?" Hakudoshi asked.

"A really annoying eighth-grade honors science teacher," Kagome replied.

"Hey there sweetie."

Naraku said peppily, "We need to have an emergency Pony Pal meeting. Without Eve. Everyone bring an idea, 'k?"

Note: this is from the Pony Pals books by Jeanne Betancourt, and the Pony Pals always write down their idea for a problem and stuff their faces with brownies.

"An idea for what?" Hakudoshi asked curiously.

"I don't know... anything!!! Meet at Off Main Diner at noon, okay?" Naraku said.

"Errrrrm... alright..." Hakudoshi said uncertainly.

"Hey there sweetie."

::Noon::

"Does everyone have an idea?" Naraku queried.

"Yessss," everyone responded.

EVERYONE'S IDEAS

Sango: Have a boomerang party, and then throw... boomerangs.

Miroku: Have a shopping party at Macy's!

Sesshomaru: Talk to Midoriko and explain we were not trespassing on her land. Then invite her to a tea party with mostly adults to make up for it and bake a cake shaped like a business card.

Rin/Jaken: Sesshomaru keeps turning into a walnut, so we should split into groups of two and look for any more in the area. If we find any, blow one blast on our Pony Pal whistles. If we get lost, blow two blasts.

Kikyo: Go to Naraku's Nite Club.

Inuyasha: Heyyyyy there sweetie. Go to Holiday Inn and order room service.

Naraku: Go find some random anime/book we can cross over into.

Kanna: I don't have any, I'm boring.

Hakudoshi: Tell Kagura we're sorry we blew up half of the Sengoku Jidai. Make a card and have everyone sign it.

Kagome: End this story finally!!!!! (NOOO WAAAAAAY!!!)

"Kagome, that's a dumb idea. You are basically asking for your own destruction!" Kikyo wailed.

"Oh, never thought of it that way," Kagome replied airily.

"So anyway, which idea is best?" Kikyo said, disapprovingly.

Naraku said, "Well, I like Sesshy's idea."

There was general agreement.

Suddenly, Kikyo said, "We must flee! No fly! No flee! Fly! Flee! Nooooo fly you foooools!" She dropped mysteriously into a pit full of hungry Balrogs.

"Well, Naraku, you got your wish. Look's like it's your idea now, we've crossed into Middle Earth. Sorry Fluffs, we can do your idea later," Kikyo announced.

Frodo suddenly popped up. "Hello, welcome to Middle Earth. I'll be your tour guide for the day."

"EEEEEEEEP! You're not a sweetie, you're a creepo!" Inuyasha shrieked.

Sam popped up. "I agree with Mr. Frodo."

"On what?" Frodo asked.

"Uhh..."

"Anyway. Where do you want to go first??" Frodo asked them.

"Minas Tirith!" Kagome said instantly.

"Alrighty, to the palace of the king with the crazy mind!" Frodo yelled.

A plot hole opened and everyone stepped in – they reappeared in Minas Tirith, in the chamber of Denethor.

"Whooo be these folk?" Denethor asked.

"Hi!" Faramir said bouncily.

"Hmmmm. Crazy hyper people," observed Hakudoshi.

"I thought you were dead!" Denethor exclaimed.

"Meee?" everyone asked curiously.

"No! You!" Denethor said.

"Meeee?"

"Never mind. So, I see you've gained weight."

"Meeee?"

"But I've been cutting carbs lately!" Faramir protested, his brows knitting.

"Never mind," Denethor said hastily. "And you, I see you've been following my advice about the meatballs lately."

"Meeee?"

"Erm, never mind..."

"Let's go somewhere else now," Kikyo said hastily.

"Indeed. To Rohan!" Kagome exclaimed.

A plot hole opened...

A/N: Sorry about the crossover... I just felt like it! (-)apologizes(-)


	12. Suggestive Coughing

Author's Note: SORRY I haven't written anything in a long, long, long, long time! Uh... yeah! Sorry! This is just more aimless rambling.

Disclaimer: There's a reason this is called fanfiction.. (haha, I stole my friend's disclaimer)

Commence.

-

-

-

...and then, suddenly, the plot switched back because the author got bored. Ahem.

"Where are we?" Kikyo asked, surveying their new surroundings. Kaede, who had long since been ditched, was floating with her new Nike brand shoes in some other author's "least favorite characters" list.

"I dunno. But Frodo and Sam got ditched," Miroku observed.

Shyly, Fluffy mumbled, "I think we should go to a noodle house."

"Whyever would you think THAT?!" Hakudoshi demanded incredulously. "However, I think it's a great idea!" He sipped some invisible tea.

Naraku watched Hakudoshi sip his invisible tea for a few minutes, then looked skyward so he would up this story's word count a little. Then he looked earthward, before saying, "I think we should write a story."

"Wow! Great idea!" Hakudoshi enthused. From behind him, Kagura coughed oddly, sounding something like "suck-up."

"Okay then. This story needs some direction, so we might as well," Kikyo muttered. "First off, let's define some characters. Anybody?"

Obediently the group sat down in a little circle, and held hands.

"I have an idea," Kagome said serenely. "How about a story 'bout an evil half-demon?"

"The word is 'youkai'," Inuyasha corrected her promptly. "Say it with me: yooooooooooh-kayyyyy."

"Yooooooooooh-kayyyyy," Kagome repeated, before continuing. "And this, um, yooooooooooooh-kayyy's name is... Kaede!"

"No, that's dumb!" Kagura grumbled. "We need something stupid like Kaede-chan or something."

"I love it! KAEDE-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!" Kagome shrieked. Then she remembered that she had to be serene. She calmly said, "So, there's Kaede-chan, and she has two dog ears because she's half a hamster yooooh-kayy--"

"Hamster pee smells yucky," Kanna commented quietly.

"--and long, white hair," Kagome continued peacefully. "She's perfect in every way, too. Everyone likes her."

Everyone except Kagome coughed suggestively, "Mary-Sue!"

"How about she has a friend, too?" Sango said, looking very interested. "How about, um, a taijiya named, erm, Sungo?"

_Taijiya means demon slayer, if you don't know_

"Sungo! I love it!" Miroku beamed.

Suddenly, Sesshomaru, who had run away across the rainbow, sped by on his jet ski, screaming, "END THIS STORY, YOU FOOLS!"

"And Sungo is, um, this girl who's about seventeen years old and she has a demon exterminator's outfit and a little kitty named, uh, Kirata," Sango continued. "And she's really nice and strong and _smart_--"

"Hm. That name sorta reminds me of someone," Kagome said thoughtfully. "Doesn't it, Kikyo?"

"Yeah," Kikyo mumbled obliviously, staring at the non-existent hawks on the horizon. Because, you know, hawks don't live in Japan. "Reminds me of.... Kagura?"

More suggestive coughing.

-Fin.


End file.
